Saturday, September 27, 2008

Over half way done

Its funny because I havent blogged in so long that it seems so unfamiliar! It feels wierd! Anyways, I really regret neglecting writing for so long because ssssooooooooooooooooooooo much has happened since I last blogged. I feel like a completely different person. I cant even just write about the things Ive been doing because ive done so much it would take me centuries to write about it. Also, at this point I think its probably more important for me to write about how things are affecting me than to give a run down of everything Ive been doing.
I feel like a completely different person. I am SO PROUD of myself. This experience is halfway over and it has just hit me that I did it! I really did. I came all the way to South Africa! Even when i was filling out all the applications and stuff I never could have imagined how much of an impact this experience would have on me. Saying I have grown would be an understatement. I have changed. I have developed. I can say that I am now a more compassionate person. I am now a more understanding person. I am now more aware of the entire world. I know how big the world is, and i am not afraid to go after it. I am no longer enslaved by fear. I have lived my life afraid of so many different things. I wont go too far in depth because I know my family reads this and i dont want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I have literally been enslaved by fear. Its funny because people always look at me as the brave, outgoing one which i am. But before this experience I was pertrified of being alone, petrified of death, petrified of God, petrified of being abandoned or neglected by people I love, terribly fearful of animals and the unknown, afraid of love and its consequences, afraid of hights, afraid of failing, afraid of embarrasment, afraid of men, afraid of rape, afraid of rejection, just AFRAID... of so much. I never realized it until I arrived here and to confront all those fears. And, oh, I cannot tell you how much more free I feel.
I can honestly say that I am happy here. I am truely happy. I love and I am loved. Not even just by people, but by life and the enviornment. The ocean, mountains and I are now best friends. I actually have time for myself here! I'm not always at one of my many jobs. I can think about myself. That sounds selfish, but its not. Its actually very healthy. At home I never think about wheather or not I am hungry because im too busy serving food to guests at my tables because they are hungry. At home I never think about wheather or not I have my school work done because im too busy worrying about wheather or not my kids need help with theirs. There have been so many times where a friend calls or comes over for help with relationship problems or any kind of problem and im trying to help while meanwhile im dying inside and just wish I had someone to talk to. For the past few years I have really been neglecting myself. I got way too caught up in the hussle and bussle of life and forgot how to breathe. And let me tell you, having this time to breathe has really saved my soul. I have my spirit back. I have myself back. its great! One thing about not only South Africans, but Africans period is that they dont rush through life. We Americans sometimes behave as though life will run away from us if we dont dash after it all the time. That's so untrue. It is okay to enjoy life. Who wants to wake up one day at 70 and say where did my life go? you rushed it away!
Dont get me wrong, school has been keeping me very busy so I dont just lay around and do nothing all the time. Im usually doing homework or rehearsing. But, my point is that I remember what its like to consider myself. If someone asks me to come over for dinner, I can! I dont have to think, "well, I dont know if I will be able to get my shift covered at the resaturant. And, if I do get my shift covered I should't go over for dinner because I need to plan a field trip for the kids on friday while reading the play I have a test on the next day". And i also dont have anyone looking down on for enjoying myself. As everyone knows, i am such a worry wart and stressed all the time. Here i have learned that that is so unnecessary. When I get back I REFUSE to go back to the way I was living. I was killing myself. Even if I go broke, at least ill be broke, happy and healthy instead of rich, stressed, and in a hospital somewhere.
Anyways, so yes. I feel very happy here. I also feel very human here. Ive had the BEST conversations of my life here. Ive had conversations with people that u just cant have back home. There's a famous african concept called Ubuntu. For those of you who arent familiar with it, it basically means 'I am because you are'. Its hard to explain, but basically it teaches you to recognize and respect the humanity in others. It plays out the most for me in the way people greet each other. At home, if you are at a pharmacy looking for the bandaids you would just stop and say, "excuse me. where are the bandaids?". Here, you stop and you say hello, how are you. Then they tell you how they are and visa virsa. You give a proper greeting and then you can say "may you please show me where the bandaids are". It goes back to not rushing through life and taking time to talk to people and show them you care even if you dont know them. In most black south african cultures if you speak to someone you call them sisi (sister) if they are your age or ma (mother) if they are your elder. There is such a sense of family and respect and love for others even in the language and the way you greet a person. I think that especially in places like Philly and NY we are missing that. Now dont get me wrong. This place is not all smiles and hugs. This is the rape capital of the world and crime is outrageous, but still, ubuntu is much more alive here than any other place ive been.
Its crazy because I miss my friends and family so much and stuff, but I have been dreading going home so badly. I have had like 3 hardcore nightmares about it. But I must not dread it. I must just go home and tell everyone the truth: in order for me to stay sane I can not work so much. And I have to tell my bosses: I appreciate my jobs, but I need less hours. I have to find an apartment with lower rent and if I run out of money not be afraid to ask people. And all the situaitons besides work that are stressing me out, I must just alleviate them.

So, I must write about what happened to me Wednesday night. Wednesay was heritage day so me, Mpho, and some friends went to a place called Mzoli's in Gugaletu. Gugaletu is a township outside of cape town and Mzoli's is famous for their braai meat. A braai is basically a bbq or cook out. So, they are basically famous for their bbqed meat. Anyways, so we went to Mzolis's and had absolutely delicious braai meat in celebration of heritage day. Long story short, it turned out to be one of the scariest nights ever! we had so much at Mzoli's but it was dark by the time we left and we had no way of getting home. So we had to hitchhike. South Africans do it all the time, but for me it was so scary. It was scary for both Mpho and I. Vee, one of her male freinds was with us, but still. So we got into the car. There were two men, one driving and one in the passenger seat. Of course they spoke Xhosa so i couldnt understand anything they were saying so that made me even more scared. I looked over at Mpho and she was taking all her valuables out of her bag and hiding them in her jacket. I look out the window and it was pitch black outside. All I could think is.. Oh my God, they are going to tak us to a dark open field somehwere and rape us. I was going through what I would do in my mind and preparing myself. It was so scary. The whole rest of the journey home which also included a crowded taxi ride and a mugging 5 feet away from me, I was so tense. I also had to pee ssssssssooooooooo bad. I came to terms with the fact that I was just going to pee right there on the seat of the taxi. But, luckily by some miracle from God, I made it both to the bathroom and home safely.

In other knews, I started my coaching for my exam pieces last week. Its going really well. My tutor for my monlogue and scene is Mwenya. She is really nice and doesnt make me feel stifled. She approaches it more like we are a team and treats my input as though it is valid.
Mpho and I are scene partners. We have the most... um... interesting way of rehearsing ever. Last weekend we rehearsed while sitting out on the patio and soaking in the sun and drinking coke. The next day we memorized our lines while laying out on Muizenberg beach. Tomorrow we plan on rehearsing while enjoying the view from Rhodes Memorial.... yeah, its nice. Its really easy for us to be partners because we're together all the time anyways. I feel good about our scene. Its coming along nicely. We just have to be careful with mixing business and pleasure.

There's so much more to say, but im really tired of writing. i'll blog again soon.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

the blog i never finished.... september vac

So, this week was September vac, basically what we know as spring break. We had a total of 10 days off. Today was the ninth. That 9 days FLEW by. I really wish we had just one more week. I feel like I was so busy the whole time I barely had anytime to just rest and enjoy myself. But, enough complaining because these past nine days have been very busy, but also very fun. I didnt get too upset about having to miss the Botswana trip because I knew that I needed to stay here and do what my heart was leading me to do anyways... help people. Everyday I walk out of my front door and the first thing I see is people sleeping on the streets. I walk to school and see the women coming into the suburbs from the townships to work as domestic workers to try and feed their families. I finally get to school and hear my friends stories of where they come from and what living in poverty is really like. I finally come home, open up my computer or look at the paper on the kitchen table and there's always a new story of impoverished people and the AIDS crisis or the crisis in Zim or some other horrifying thing happening right under my nose. So, i decided to help do somethong about it. During school I tend to get very busy. The theatre program here is no joke. Its so much work. So, I can usually only do volunteer work on Saturdays. But, during this vac I took advantage of my free time. I volunterred at two places. The first place is the TAC (treatment action campaign). It is an orginization that deals with the HIV/AIDS crisis in Khayalitsha. Khayalitsha is a township outside of Cape Town. It is the second largest township in South Africa after Soweto. So, I volunteered there on Tuesday. On Wednesday I volunteered at a day care center called Khumbalani day care center also in Khyalitsha. They take care of young children who are infected/affected by HIV/AIDS.